Scene III
(Fen, Sig and Tony are sitting in the family room staring at the television awaiting Cobalt’s return from the airport)
Tony:
Sig…when you said you wanted to show us home movies of your trips aboard I thought you meant…WOAH! (covers eyes and peers at the screen between his fingers)
Sig:
I said; I want to show you movies of my trysts with broads.
Fenny:
(Shovels a handful of popcorn into his mouth.) This is better than Hoosiers. (Wipes a tear from his eye.)
Tony:
Please tell me that she had a glass eye.
Fenny:
Where are her arms?
Sig:
She doesn’t have them. She’s a thalidomide survivor. Have you ever had a flipper job?
Tony:
I can’t watch this. It is degrading, filthy and an abomination to all things sacred and holds no redeeming social value whatsoever. It’s like a Carrot Top comedy concert.
Sig:
Here’s the best part. (Points excitedly at the screen.)
Fenny:
OH MY GOD!
Tony:
That is physically impossible! How is she still alive.
Fenny:
(Holds up a sheet of paper with a 10 scrawled on it.) The dismount was a bit shaky but you stuck the landing.
Tony:
I didn’t think the human neck could do that.
(The front door opens and Cobalt walks in looking concerned. She shuts the door behind her and walks to the couch where Sig quickly presses the remote control.)
Sig:
Are you okay?
Cobalt:
I don’t know…Cousin Steve never showed up. Of course we may have missed each other, I was delayed because of a malfunctioned escalator.
Tony:
Cobalt, we discussed this before. For the last time, those are stairs honey. They aren’t supposed to move.
Cobalt:
When I got to his gate the attendant said that everyone had already exited the plane and she was closing for the day. There has to be some mistake, but St. Olaf Air is world renowned for their error-free service.
Sig:
St. Olaf has its own airline?
Cobalt:
Yes, in twenty years of continuous flights they have only crashed once. It was the year Oleg Hartenfluffler put his contacts in the wrong eyes. If only his co-pilot would have said…”Oleg, get your fingers out of my eyes” St. Olaf Air would never have crashed and burned.
Tony:
(Sarcastically) I can’t believe this never made the news.
Cobalt:
It did back home. Fortunately, at the time, the airline catered to a prestigious clientele only.
Sig:
Senators?
Fenny:
Celebrities?
Cobalt:
Livestock. This was the year the hogs for the county fair were being shuttled for a night out on the town prior to their pagent. The poor things never saw it coming. The plane exploded killing everyone instantly in a ball of flames.
Sig:
That’s awful.
Cobalt:
But it smelled delicious. Townsfolk came from miles to pay their respects. Crying and dipping the remains in a sweet and tangy barbecue sauce.
Tony:
COBALT! Please…what about Steve?
Cobalt:
Oh…He doesn’t eat meat.
“I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum.”
Certified 100% Serious