Background: In the Tony Harrington thread...somehow...the contributors came up with the clever idea of writing a sitcom based on The Golden Girls and Mission Impossible.

Tony is the dorothy Zbornak character made famous by bea arthur.

Cobalt is the sweet but air headed Rose Nyland originally played by Betty White.

Sig plays the male version of Blanche Deveraux...he hasn't said anything slutty yet...but he will. Blanche was played by Rue McClanahan

Fenny plays the male version of Sophia Petrillo portayed by the late Estelle getty. Instead of stories of Sicily look for Fenny to tell Dublin tales.

Without further delay here is the first scene in our production:

EXT SHOT
Golden Girls house with palm trees swaying in the background. The familiar intro music wells as the director and screen writer credits overlay the image.

INT SHOT
Kitchen scene. Tony sits at the kitchen table stirring a cup of coffee. The door swings inward and Cobalt walks in wearing a flowing robe. Tony is dressed in an ornate Dorothy Zbornak blouse complete with scarf and shoulder pads.

Cobalt:
Good morning Tony.

Tony:
Good morning Co…wow…you look rough.

Cobalt:
I know…I look horrible. (Looks at herself in a small wall mounted mirror hanging above the kitchen phone.) I can’t sleep, I keep thinking about Sig and Fenny.

Tony:
Ever since Q/M called with their latest mission the house has been quiet. They’ve been gone for quite a while this go-round.

Cobalt:
(sighs, and sits down at the table and pours a mug of coffee.) I miss the boys…the way they talk about killing things, the way they are so top secret, the way they make me laugh…

Tony:
(interrupting)…The way Sig walks around shirtless

Cobalt:
Have a little decorum Tony…I just had these seats reupholstered.

Tony:
I remember feeling empty and alone when I put Ma in Shady Pines. I kept thinking that she would never forgive me. (Laughs) I still remember her face the morning I took her. ‘Are you ready to go to Disneyworld?’ I asked her. Oh she looked so happy. Then the look on her face changed as I slowed to a roll in the homes parking lot, reached over and popped her door and barrel rolled her out and took off down the road.

Cobalt:
Have you talked to her lately?

Tony:
I talk to her almost every day.

Cobalt:
That’s sweet of…

Tony:
(interrupting again)…I almost talked to her on Monday. I almost talked to her on Tuesday…Wednesday I almost called but it was the results show of the Maury Povich paternity test show. Turns out that Antonio was not the baby’s father.

Cobalt:
I knew it…that baby didn’t look anything like him. Glenda Hoelfenfeffer, St. Olaf’s famous midwife found herself in the family way.

Tony:
Please, not this early in the morning.

Cobalt:
You see…She was a widow…her husband died in a freak wildlife accident. A deer crashed through the window of their home and gorged him to death with its antlers. You would have thought that it was just a freak incident of urban sprawl encroaching on nature. But they lived on the twelfth floor of St. Olaf’s only high rise. How that deer managed…

Tony:
COBALT!!!! Please! Get to the point if you insist on me listening to this inane story.

Cobalt:
(Looking emotionally hurt and after a moment of contemplation on how to wrap up the story says…) The baby was born with hooves and a penchant for getting hit on the interstate.

Tony:
YOU’RE MAKING THAT UP!

Cobalt:
No Tony, I swear, to this day St. Olaf has a clause in their auto insurance policy claiming not to pay out on acts of God and Angus Hoelfenfeffer.

(The door to the kitchen swings open and closes but no one has visibly entered the kitchen.)

Tony:
Looks like the boys are back.

(An otter squeaks and chirps as it positions itself on a chair at the kitchen table.)

Cobalt:
Oh Alexander!
(Cobalt leans over and kisses the otter delicately o the nose.)
It is so good to see you again. Are the boys here too?

Tony:
I can not believe you touched that dirty thing to your lips.

Cobalt:
(gives Tony a condescending look.)

Tony:
Ah…point taken. (Looks at Alexander) I suppose I should welcome you back with a kiss as well.

Alexander:
Grrrrrrrrrrr.

(The door to the kitchen swings open again and Fenny and Sig enter looking battered and tired but in overall good spirits. Sig takes a seat at the table next to Alexander while Fenny walks to the refrigerator and opens it.)

Fenny:
Only twelve cheesecakes left?

Sig:
(pouring coffee, looks at Tony and Cobalt.) Good morning ladies.

Tony:
(looking at Alexander then back at Sig, but choosing to ignore the “ladies” comment) Sig, didn’t I tell you that I don’t want this filthy creature sitting at the table? It’s disgusting.

Sig:
That’s not fair…(Gestures to Cobalt) She pays rent and should be allowed to sit anywhere she wants.


Fenny:
(Arrives at the table with an open box of cheesecake.) Down to eleven. In my country animals at the table were a sign of wealth and prestige. Picture it, Dublin, 1980…

Tony:
Fen, Please, not you too…I just had to sit through a St. Olaf story.

Fenny:
(Shrugs) It’s only because I have heard Cobalt’s stories that I will spare you mine. The mission was awesome…Q/M really outdid himself this time. And we would have died if it wasn’t for Alexander.

Alexander:
Squeak Squeak Chirp Growl

Sig:
Yes it was Alexander, and you know it.

Tony:
Seriously? How do you understand a thing he says?

Sig:
Q/M planted a translating chip into my head after I was wounded in combat. Alexander was my recovery pet for a while. They’re better than assistance dogs.

Cobalt:
(Looking confused) Can I ask a dumb question.

Fenny:
(Pats Cobalt’s hand lovingly) Better than anyone we know.

Cobalt:
How does an Otter make a better pet than a dog?

Sig:
They are super intelligent cre…okay (looks at Cobalt who is seemingly having difficulty following along.) Intelligence is what a higher thinking….

Tony:
…Let me. (picks a flashlight up from off the table and shines it on the wall across the kitchen.) Go get it girl.


Cobalt:
SHINEY! Everyone look…Shiney is back! (Gets up and crosses the room to the beam of light and scratches at the wall trying to reach the circle of light just out of her reach.)

After the shiney bit has run its course(which could be as many as a couple of episodes) someone can ask, "What's for dinner?"

Everyone else in unison "TACOS!"

After the shiney bit has run its course(which could be as many as a couple of episodes) someone can ask, "What's for dinner?"

Everyone else in unison "TACOS!"

Nice!

Fantastic, Tony. As we well know, no one can tell a story like you. When do you begin your standup career? Oh heck, anything in show biz would be great for you. (insert hilarious comeback line here)

SCENE II
(Tony, Fenny and Sig are sitting on the deck drinking beers and talking about the latest mission)

Sig:
…And that’s when the device exploded…shrapnel flew everywhere. Cut my face, pieces lodged in my chest. Then I felt myself being dragged away from the debris to safety and there was Alexander pulling me by the cuff of my trousers.

Fenny:
I still don’t know how the insurgents managed to plant an IED so close to our compound. But they are resourceful.

Tony:
I wish I could go on missions…but these damn flat feet are…

Sig:
(interrupting)…attached to a big fat gay body?

Tony:
(Does a double take at Sig) I’m just glad you are safe and because the two of you are on the special force America is safe.

Cobalt:
(Enters the scene through the sliding glass door leading from the family room.)
I just had the strangest situation on the phone.

Tony:
You forgot to dial the number again?

Cobalt:
No

Sig:
You had the phone upside down.

Cobalt:
No
Fenny:
You were talking on the television’s remote control instead.

Cobalt:
NO! I am not an idiot for crying out loud. (Turns to Fenny) THE TV HAS A REMOTE?!?

Tony:
What happened Cobalt?

Cobalt:
Well, the message indicator was on so I dialed our voicemail and it was a message from Sig. He must have been training a woman to ride horseback because all I could hear was her screaming and him telling her to hold on and ride the stallion.

Sig:
(Face goes blank as he takes his cell phone from his back pocket and flips through the recently dialed calls) Yeah…horseback riding.

Tony:
You butt-dialed the house number in the throes of passion again.

Cobalt:
Then there was a message from my Cousin Steve Harris from St. Olaf. He said he is coming to Miami for a week and needs a place to crash during his visit. Do you think that would be okay?

Tony:
I don’t see why not…we could put out the welcome mat.

Fenny:
We don’t have a welcome mat.

Sig:
We can use the one at the foot of my bed.

Tony:
We’ll have to wash the Chlamydia off of it first. I’ll share a room with Cobalt and Steve can stay in my room.

Sig:
He may want to wash the smell of fleet week out of the sheets first.


Tony:
(Clutches collar and gasps.)
I have NEVER bedded a sailor.

Fenny:
Please…you have been under more sailors than a nautical toilet.

Cobalt:
Well we are decided then. I’ll call Steve back and let him know he can stay here. I really appreciate it.
(Cobalt walks back into the house exiting the scene)

Tony:
I am happy that Cobalt has some relatives coming in from out of town…it will do her good to spend time with family, close relationships are so hard to come by these days and it would be a shame if (turns quickly to Fenny, brow furled in anger) A NAUTICAL TOILET!!??

Sig:
I am not sure I like the idea of strangers in the house. Not since Tabbi Katz escaped our clutches. He could be anywhere waiting to surprise us.

Tony:
Tabbi… Katz?

Fenny:
Only the most heinous and dangerous criminal mastermind of our time. He has been behind some of the most ridiculous crimes against humanity. He is allegedly the mastermind of 9/11, the attack at the Munich Olympic Games…

Sig:
The bombs on the London transit…

Fenny:
The remake of 90210

Tony:
Oh my God!

Sig:
I know!



(Scene transitions to a small jet flying high above Miami)

(Tabbi Katz and His Henchman Brian sit abord a private jet. Tabbi sits in a plush leather seat surrounded by computer monitors that flash coordinates and pictures of aerial views of Miami homes. Tabbi is casually stroking a kiten nestled in his lap.)

Tabbi:
Has the prisoner been prepped?

Brian:
Yes, his face has been grafted and you are ready to take on his identity.

Tabbi:
Excellent…I love it when a plan comes together. (Looks at his cat.) Don’t you agree Mr. Mittens? (The cat purrs and paws at Tabbi’s lap) Ahh, my pussy is quivering with anticipation.

Brian:
Yes…sir. (A mildly disgusted look creeps across Brian’s face.)

Tabbi:
I have to get Steve Harris’ mannerisms down to a science. Does he have any idiosyncrasies I should know about?

Brian:
He is left handed.

Tabbi:
Left handed ya say?

Brian:
Yes…and he screams a lot.

Tabbi:
Like this? MY NAME IS STEVEN HARRIS!!!! I AM A LEFT HANDED MAN OF NORDIC DESCENT!!!!

Brian:
Close. More like, “AAAAAGHHHHHHH! PLEASE STOP CUTTING OFF MY FACE!”

Tabbi:
That’s lovely Brian, but I meant what does he sound like before you removed his face?



Brian:
That was before we removed his face sir. He was yelling that throughout the flight to Miami…in fact we had no intention of cutting off his face at first, but since he kept screaming it the idea sort of came to fruition.

Tabbi:
I see. Is he retarded?

Brian:
We believe so sir.

Tabbi:
So he is a left handed retard who screams all the time.

Brian:
We believe so sir. He also wears a helmet and carries around a replica of He-Man’s sword.

Tabbi:
AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH! CHEESE AND CRACKERS, YOU’RE TEARING ME APART!!!

Brian:
I believe you nailed his mannerisms! Good job sir.

Tabbi:
(Slamming fist onto desk) No…It’s Mr. Mittens…He’s shredding my coin purse!!!!

Brian:
OH! Come here Mr. Mittens. (Pulls cat off of Tabbi’s lap with a sound that sounds like Velcro separating.) Time to get you declawed.

Scene III
(Fen, Sig and Tony are sitting in the family room staring at the television awaiting Cobalt’s return from the airport)

Tony:
Sig…when you said you wanted to show us home movies of your trips aboard I thought you meant…WOAH! (covers eyes and peers at the screen between his fingers)

Sig:
I said; I want to show you movies of my trysts with broads.

Fenny:
(Shovels a handful of popcorn into his mouth.) This is better than Hoosiers. (Wipes a tear from his eye.)

Tony:
Please tell me that she had a glass eye.

Fenny:
Where are her arms?

Sig:
She doesn’t have them. She’s a thalidomide survivor. Have you ever had a flipper job?

Tony:
I can’t watch this. It is degrading, filthy and an abomination to all things sacred and holds no redeeming social value whatsoever. It’s like a Carrot Top comedy concert.

Sig:
Here’s the best part. (Points excitedly at the screen.)

Fenny:
OH MY GOD!

Tony:
That is physically impossible! How is she still alive.

Fenny:
(Holds up a sheet of paper with a 10 scrawled on it.) The dismount was a bit shaky but you stuck the landing.

Tony:
I didn’t think the human neck could do that.
(The front door opens and Cobalt walks in looking concerned. She shuts the door behind her and walks to the couch where Sig quickly presses the remote control.)

Sig:
Are you okay?

Cobalt:
I don’t know…Cousin Steve never showed up. Of course we may have missed each other, I was delayed because of a malfunctioned escalator.

Tony:
Cobalt, we discussed this before. For the last time, those are stairs honey. They aren’t supposed to move.

Cobalt:
When I got to his gate the attendant said that everyone had already exited the plane and she was closing for the day. There has to be some mistake, but St. Olaf Air is world renowned for their error-free service.

Sig:
St. Olaf has its own airline?

Cobalt:
Yes, in twenty years of continuous flights they have only crashed once. It was the year Oleg Hartenfluffler put his contacts in the wrong eyes. If only his co-pilot would have said…”Oleg, get your fingers out of my eyes” St. Olaf Air would never have crashed and burned.

Tony:
(Sarcastically) I can’t believe this never made the news.

Cobalt:
It did back home. Fortunately, at the time, the airline catered to a prestigious clientele only.

Sig:
Senators?

Fenny:
Celebrities?




Cobalt:
Livestock. This was the year the hogs for the county fair were being shuttled for a night out on the town prior to their pagent. The poor things never saw it coming. The plane exploded killing everyone instantly in a ball of flames.

Sig:
That’s awful.

Cobalt:
But it smelled delicious. Townsfolk came from miles to pay their respects. Crying and dipping the remains in a sweet and tangy barbecue sauce.

Tony:
COBALT! Please…what about Steve?

Cobalt:
Oh…He doesn’t eat meat.

GREAT! I'm already written out of the show! ( as a left handed retarded man who carries a Heman Sword replica!!!).

Tony, this means war!:mad:

(LOL...I really like writing the Steve character. Tabbi takes on his identity...but you will be back...so you aren't out of the show just yet. Before i head out for the evening, here is a little more of the current scene.)

Tony:
COBALT! Please…what about Steve?

Cobalt:
Oh…He doesn’t eat meat.

Fenny:
Kind of makes you wonder how she manages to move and talk.

Sig:
I think what Tony is trying to ask…and I may be wrong because I don’t speak homo, is, What are you going to do about Steve?

Tony:
Thank you Sig…I am sorry that I left my homo to English dictionary at the office.

Sig:
(Stares blankly at Tony then turns quickly to the others) Didn’t…understand…a word.

(The doorbell rings and Tony stands up from the couch and walks across the room.)
Tony:
That sounds like Steven now.

Cobalt:
That was just the doorbell Tony. And you think I’m stupid?

Tony:
(Opens the door and sees a man with his face all lopsided standing at the door.)
Hello…you must be Steven Harris from Slant Olaf. SAINT!!!! Saint Olaf….(laughs nervously)

Fenny:
(Rushes to the door and pushes Tony out of the way.)
Hello Steven, welcome to Miami. You’ll have to forgive Tony…They don’t have manners in the merry old land of Oz.

Steven/Tabbi:
HELLO COUSIN COBALT!!!! (Embraces Fenny)

Fenny:
Oh…no no no…Cobalt is over there. (Points to Cobalt)

Steven:
OF COURSE!!!!!

Sig:
Why is he yelling?

Cobalt:
He can’t hear…when he was eleven he was kicked in the head by a mule.

Sig:
What an unfortunate accident.

Cobalt:
It wasn’t an accident Sig…he had a stubborn molar that needed to come out. (walks over to cousin Steve and hugs him.)