(MONTAGE: Extreme Close Up of Fenny slipping into a black Kevlar vest. ECU: Sig slipping black leather gloves onto his hands and tightening the clasps cinching them tightly around his wrists. ECU: Fenny chambering a round into a pistol and sliding the gun into the black holster on his belt. ECU: Sig slides several knives into sheathes strapped to his frame. ECU: split screen of Sig and Fenny pulling black hoods over their head covering their face save for their eyes.)

Sig:
(pulls a pair of black goggles over his eyes.) Snake eyes.

Fenny:
Let’s do this.

(The two men bump fists together.)

Q/M:
Remember, the government will deny all knowledge of your existence in the event that what happens in Miami comes to light. And remember…pubic hair.

Fenny:
No sir…this landing strip is clean.

Q/M:
No… P-U-B-I-C-H-A-I-R. Perform Using Blackout Invasion Commands, Heavy Artillery and Infra Red. PUBIC HAIR.

Sig:
O…kay.

(The screen flickers and the two men stare uncomfortably at the blank screen that once held the image of their leader.)

Sig:
“This landing strip is clean?”
Fenny:
It’s hygienic and gives the appearance of extra length. (After a moment of silence…) Who are you to judge me?

(Back in the kitchen: Tony and Cobalt are tied up in their chairs, unable to move. Steve paces confidently back and forth between them. Mr. Mittens darts in and out between his moving legs as he paces.)

Cobalt:
Don’t worry Tony, this is normal. It is a family reunion ritual sanctioned by the Saint Olaf Department of Water and Coffee.

Tony:
(Looks at Cobalt) Coffee Cobalt?

Cobalt:
No thank you…caffeine makes me jittery.

Tony:
(To Steve) I don’t suppose you planned ahead and brought a gag-ball with you?

Steve:
SILENCE! (Steve’s face slides off and lands on the floor with a wet splat) GREAT! KNOW YOU KNOW THE TRUTH!!

Cobalt:
I knew it…this is horrible. (shakes head.)

Tony:
You knew it and chose not to say anything?

Cobalt:
I didn’t want to rub the fact that he has leprosy in his face. Though it would be much easier to do so now that it’s not attached to his head.

Tony:
He’s Tabbi Katz you moron!

Tabbi Katz:
IT’S TRUE!

Cobalt:
You’re Tabbi Katz!?! Oh Steve…you’re mother would be so disappointed.
Tabbi:
I AM NOT YOUR COUSIN!!!

Cobalt:
Then why are you yelling?

Tabbi:
BECAUSE YOU ANNOY THE CRAP OUT OF ME!!!!!

(Scene Transition: Basement of the home, Sig and Fenny stand before the circuit breaker and flip the switch. The house goes dark)

(Scene Transition: Tabbi looks around the kitchen, his frustration visibly rising.)

Tabbi:
So it has begun. (Looks at the cat at his feet) Mr. Mittens…activate!

(The cat’s eyes glow green and a panel on each side of the cat rolls back exposing 2 automatic weapons. They whir mechanically as rounds feed into the weapons automatically.)

Tabbi:
Find the soldiers and destroy them once and for all.

Mr. Mittens:
Meow! (Scampers off down the hall)

Cobalt:
Maybe if you untie me we can work something out…you know…something pleasing.

Tabbi:
(smirks) What’s going through that head of yours pretty young lady?

Tony:
Probably the wind.

Cobalt:
Tony!

Tony:
An echo…


Cobalt:
(Looks away from Tony and back at Tabbi) Something hot…something wet…and a little (growls seductively)…spicy.

Tabbi:
(Growls back) Okay…but only you…(looks at Tony)…she stays tied up though.

(Scene transition: Sig moves amongst the shadows of the house interior as Fenny scales the outside of the house.)

Fenny:
(Pulling himself onto the roof he spots a figure moving amidst the shadows, pacing. It’s Brian and he has an assault rifle strapped to his back. He is overlooking the edge of the roof at the lanai below. Fenny moves quickly and quietly and as he approaches his target, Brian turns quickly and shoulders his weapon. As the weapon fires Fenny drops to the ground and slide toward Brian and with a quick sweep of his leg he kicks Brian’s feet from underneath him sending the henchman flipping head over heels.)

(standing up and striking a fighting stance) Okay…let’s fight it out.

Brian:
(Lowers his weapon to the ground and holds up his fists) So be it.

(The two men charge each other and unleash an assault of Krav Maga moves that would make Jason Bourne surrender, a brutal display of combat. Fenny blocks several punches, takes one to the cheek but barrels on landing several punches of his own, executing a lethal kick to Brian’s kneecap. Brian gets Fenny in a headlock and begins choking him from behind. Fenny finds hi ka-bar knife attached to his belt and unsheathes it. He uses the blade to lacerate Brian’s hand. When the grip loosens Fenny steps to the side grabbing Brian by the hand and flips him over his hip off the roof and onto the lanai below with a wet thud.)

(INT. FAMILY ROOM)
(Sig stands in the dark, blending in with the shadows, he is making his way to the kitchen where his two roommates are held hostage. He is halfway across the floor now when he hears…)

Mr. Mittens:
MEOW!

Sig:
You’ve got to be kidding me. (Sig unholsters two .9mm’s and double fists them John woo style.)

Mr. Mittens:
Meow…(Mr Mittens charges, two laser guided missiles launch from his side panels.)
Sig:
(Runs and jumps behind the sofa as the missiles fly haphazardly around the room before crashing through the window and exploding off screen with a blinding flash and explosive clap!) I though those were supposed to be laser guided. (Looks up from behind sofa and sees Mr. Mittens pouncing on the guidance system control.) Ah…no opposable thumbs.

Mr. Mittens:
MEOW! (runs at Sig and leaps through the air, razor sharp metal claw extract from his furry paws)

Sig:
Give me a break. (Jumps to his feet and grabs Mr. Mittens in mid-air by the throat. Shrieks in agony and the claws lacerate his forearms.)

(Mr. Mittens swats his paw at Sig’s face and Sig howls in agony, loses his balance and falls to the ground, blood pours from the new gash below Sig’s eye. The cat launches itself at Sig in a final death pounce…)

Alexander:
Chirp…squeak…GROWL!!!!!

(Alexander slams into the side of Mr. Mittens, grabs the cat by the sides of its face, twists mid-air and an audible snap is heard as Mr. Mitten’s neck shatters. The two animals land on the ground and Alexander pulls Mr. Mittens’ limp body on top of him, he rolls onto his back and begins slamming the cats face into his belly as if he were cracking open clamshells. The cats face degrades into a bloody pulp until soon there is nothing left attached to the cats shoulders.)

Sig:
Holy crap!

Alexander:
(Gets to his feet and runs over to his master and begins licking the wound on Sig’s face. ) Chirp…squeak…whimper.

Sig:
It’s okay my furry friend…that’ll do. (Pets the otter on the head affectionately.)

(Int. Kitchen)
Cobalt:
And with a dash of pickled herring and Tabasco you have Guggenflankeppfer.

Tabbi:
(Blinks absently at the mysterious mound before him) This is what you had in mind when you said hot, wet and spicy?
Cobalt:
What did you think I meant? And why are you naked?

Tony:
SEX COBALT!!! SEX SEX SEX!!!! (Shakes fist angrily in the air)

Cobalt:
Not now Tony! Good Lord…did you just get out of prison?

Tony:
(Points to Tabbi) I meant him!

Cobalt:
I doubt he would be interested Tony…you aren’t the prettiest girl at the dance.

Tabbi:
I mean…maybe if I had a drink or two (Shakes the thought from his head and points a gun at Cobalt)…ENOUGH FROM YOU!

Cobalt:
I would appreciate if you not point that ridiculous thing at me.

Tabbi:
I never received any complaints…it’s how you use it that counts…and besides…I have girth!!!

Tony:
She meant the gun! (lowers eyes) but yes…you…definitely have girth…(waves hands erratically) Is it getting hot in here?

Tabbi:
(Slips uncomfortably back into his clothes.) There are fewer things more awkward than that moment.

Cobalt:
Now that you’re dressed I can do this. (Spins on her heel and roundhouse kicks Tabbi in the face.) You messed with the wrong idiot!

(Scene Transition: Basement of the home, Sig and Fenny stand before the circuit breaker and flip the switch. The house goes dark)

(Scene Transition: Tabbi looks around the kitchen, his frustration visibly rising.)

Tabbi:
So it has begun. (Looks at the cat at his feet) Mr. Mittens…activate!

(The cat’s eyes glow green and a panel on each side of the cat rolls back exposing 2 automatic weapons. They whir mechanically as rounds feed into the weapons automatically.)

Tabbi:
Find the soldiers and destroy them once and for all.

Mr. Mittens:
Meow! (Scampers off down the hall)

Cobalt:
Maybe if you untie me we can work something out…you know…something pleasing.

Tabbi:
(smirks) What’s going through that head of yours pretty young lady?

Tony:
Probably the wind.

Cobalt:
Tony!

Tony:
An echo…


Cobalt:
(Looks away from Tony and back at Tabbi) Something hot…something wet…and a little (growls seductively)…spicy.

Tabbi:
(Growls back) Okay…but only you…(looks at Tony)…she stays tied up though.

(Scene transition: Sig moves amongst the shadows of the house interior as Fenny scales the outside of the house.)

Fenny:
(Pulling himself onto the roof he spots a figure moving amidst the shadows, pacing. It’s Brian and he has an assault rifle strapped to his back. He is overlooking the edge of the roof at the lanai below. Fenny moves quickly and quietly and as he approaches his target, Brian turns quickly and shoulders his weapon. As the weapon fires Fenny drops to the ground and slide toward Brian and with a quick sweep of his leg he kicks Brian’s feet from underneath him sending the henchman flipping head over heels.)

(standing up and striking a fighting stance) Okay…let’s fight it out.

Brian:
(Lowers his weapon to the ground and holds up his fists) So be it.

(The two men charge each other and unleash an assault of Krav Maga moves that would make Jason Bourne surrender, a brutal display of combat. Fenny blocks several punches, takes one to the cheek but barrels on landing several punches of his own, executing a lethal kick to Brian’s kneecap. Brian gets Fenny in a headlock and begins choking him from behind. Fenny finds hi ka-bar knife attached to his belt and unsheathes it. He uses the blade to lacerate Brian’s hand. When the grip loosens Fenny steps to the side grabbing Brian by the hand and flips him over his hip off the roof and onto the lanai below with a wet thud.)

(INT. FAMILY ROOM)
(Sig stands in the dark, blending in with the shadows, he is making his way to the kitchen where his two roommates are held hostage. He is halfway across the floor now when he hears…

Mr. Mittens:
MEOW!

Sig:
You’ve got to be kidding me. (Sig unholsters two .9mm’s and double fists them John woo style.)

Mr. Mittens:
Meow…(Mr Mittens charges, two laser guided missiles launch from his side panels.)
Sig:
(Runs and jumps behind the sofa as the missiles fly haphazardly around the room before crashing through the window and exploding off screen with a blinding flash and explosive clap!) I though those were supposed to be laser guided. (Looks up from behind sofa and sees Mr. Mittens pouncing on the guidance system control.) Ah…no opposable thumbs.

Mr. Mittens:
MEOW! (runs at Sig and leaps through the air, razor sharp metal claw extract from his furry paws)

Sig:
Give me a break. (Jumps to his feet and grabs Mr. Mittens in mid-air by the throat. Shrieks in agony and the claws lacerate his forearms.)

(Mr. Mittens swats his paw at Sig’s face and Sig howls in agony, loses his balance and falls to the ground, blood pours from the new gash below Sig’s eye. The cat launches itself at Sig in a final death pounce…

Alexander:
Chirp…squeak…GROWL!!!!!

(Alexander slams into the side of Mr. Mittens, grabs the cat by the sides of its face, twists mid-air and an audible snap is heard as Mr. Mitten’s neck shatters. The two animals land on the ground and Alexander pulls Mr. Mittens’ limp body on top of him, he rolls onto his back and begins slamming the cats face into his belly as if he were cracking open clamshells. The cats face degrades into a bloody pulp until soon there is nothing left attached to the cats shoulders.)

Sig:
Holy crap!

OK...OK...that's a pretty good =imitation= of TONY'S! writing, but it lacks the electric skull-carbon that characterizes TONY'S! work.

Don't try to mimic TONY'S! style, 'cuz you ain't gonna get to Heaven that way.

Who are you, anyway, poseur?

OK...OK...that's a pretty good =imitation= of TONY'S! writing, but it lacks the electric skull-carbon that characterizes TONY'S! work.

Don't try to mimic TONY'S! style, 'cuz you ain't gonna get to Heaven that way.

Who are you, anyway, poseur?

This is at least the 5th time you have accused me of being an interloper! When will you realize that my greatness...though enough to spread to several people, is contained in one shell only. And that shell is ME!!!!

Hey Tony, ya want I should take care of this Bluesman character for ya?

Tony, I prefer you not to spread your "greatness" this way. I like ya, man, but not like that

This is at least the 5th time you have accused me of being an interloper! When will you realize that my greatness...though enough to spread to several people, is contained in one shell only. And that shell is ME!!!!

Gasp! This poor one has been painting too many rattraps for Park Avenue swells and breathing the fumes, TONY!*

How--how can I make amends for doubting your unparalleled TONINESS! ?:eek:


*Believe me on this, rich people are the cheapest tippers for personal service this side of Hell. Working guys and gals are =much= more generous. And it ain't hard to figger out why.

Tony, I prefer you not to spread your "greatness" this way. I like ya, man, but not like that

Aww shucks...I know you are playing hard to get! I like ya too Sig...in the completely platonic hetero way. You have fast become one of my favorite people on this board.

Hey Tony, ya want I should take care of this Bluesman character for ya?

Afraid you'll have to take your turn in line, bro.

The line is long.quigglemouth: