HaHa! @ NY Crossword puzzle. In pen.

Oh, and...I feel sorry for Steve, being dead and all.

Stephanie

HaHa! @ NY Crossword puzzle. In pen.

Oh, and...I feel sorry for Steve, being dead and all.

Stephanie

He ain't dead...he's just asleep.

Steve may be down, but he's not out yet.

oops...I guess he is.

Tony has demonstrated that it takes multiple killings to kill characters, so I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't actually dead - this time anyways.

Stephanie

Steve may be down, but he's not out yet.

oops...I guess he is.

Yeah, but when you're dead...you know things.

Tony:
I suppose we should make funeral arrangements.

Cobalt:
We need to give him an authentic Norse funeral.

Fenny:
That sounds nice…but I think Miami has a burn ban right now. Damn the drought.

Cobalt:
That’s a myth Fenny. The Norse never really burned their dead and set them afloat on the waters to Valhalla.

Tony:
That’s good to know. I suppose we can provide him an authentic burial then.

Cobalt:
Excellent…I will call the canning company and place the order for the 6’5” aluminum flat can…Tony, if you can find me several hundred pounds of pickling salt.

Fenny:
You know what…how about a traditional Irish funeral instead.

Tony:
We just can’t leave him on a stool in a pub.

Sig:
Why don’t we donate his body to science. That will save on funeral costs, and since Tony killed him I am sure he would appreciate the relief from the burden of such a financial strain.

Tony:
Cobalt is just as responsible. If she hadn’t put the car in “R” for ride, he would have had one more head wound to go before dying.

Cobalt:
I don’t know about donating his body…Steve was never good at Science. He was good with maps and state capitols. Science was a no go…but he rocked at Biography.

Fenny:
Where is Sig?


Tony:
(looks around) Ahh, there he is…over at the cancer ward hitting on terminally ill women.

Sig:
(To a female in a wheelchair) …You must save a fortune on hair care products.

Woman:
Insensitive bastard. (Slaps sig across the face.)

Sig:
I am sure that would have hurt more if you weren’t so weak. So how about them digits?

Woman:
SECURITY!

Tony:
(Runs up to Sig and grabs him by the arm. To the woman…) I am so sorry, he has a heart condition…he was born without one.

Woman:
Thank you. You’re a nice lady.

Tony:
(Squints at the woman then pulls Sig away from her.) You really are shameless you know that. You just can’t flirt with everyone you come across. (squeezes Sigs arm)Do you work out?

Cobalt:
I hate hospitals. They just creep me out.

Sig:
I know what you mean…people die here.

Tony:
People also get better here, let’s not forget that important factor.

Cobalt:
Death is just so random and you never know when it’s your time. Like my classmate Hilda Swinegaarten back in St. Olaf.

Fenny:
Really? A St. Olaf story now?


Cobalt:
Hilda was very popular. Well, elective time came and she could sign up for swimming class or driver’s education. Being as popular as she was she insisted on taking drivers education class. She passed with flying colors and was St. Olaf’s best driver. She drove all over the place and everywhere she went people would say, “There goes Hilda, the best driver in all of Minnesota!” Well, as fate would have it, Hilda drove her car into the lake…

Tony:
Oh God (Begs) Please, if you are out there take me now.

SCENE 3
(Camera pans around an elaborate penthouse suite overlooking New York City. The office is high tech, computer monitors adorn the walls, the color scheme is white and silver, hardwood floors…the office looks like a Mac store. A woman stands at the window overlooking the city. An intercom buzzes…she walks to the desk and presses a button on the small speaker.)

Lysis:
Oui?
(Yes?)

Voice over intercom:
Il ya quelqu'un ici pour vous rendre visite. Son nom est Libby.
***(There is someone here to visit you. Her name is Libby.)

Lysis:
Elle peut venir en jeu. Nous avons des questions importantes à discuter.
***(she can come in. We have important items to discuss)

(Seconds later the door leading from the office opens and a young woman enters wearing a girl scout uniform. She approaches the desk.)

Libby:
Good afternoon Lysis, I’ve come to discuss our plans for eliminating the Alpha Force.

Lysis:
En français s'il vous plaît.
***(Please, in French.)

Libby:
Okay. (Gets an uncomfortable look…her French is clearly sub-par.) Le singe lance sa merde.


Lysis:
Ahh.(clearly disappointed) English it is then.

Libby:
I found Fenny and Sig…the ones responsible for killing my father. I want permission to destroy them.

Lysis:
(shakes head.) Non, pas encore. Ils sont un digne adversaire.
The world is a far too interesting place with them in it mon ami. But, since they took something close to you, I do give you permission to take something close from them. The lives of their two lady roommates will suffice.

Libby:
As you wish.

SCENE 4
(Ext shot of a diner)
(Int shot…Fenny, Sig, Cobalt and Tony sit in a booth sipping coffee and eating cheesecake. Alexander pokes his head out of a satchel strung across Sigs chest.)

Alexander:
Squeak…chirp…squeak…squak

Sig:
Waitress…do you have any clams in this establishment?

(A waitress approaches the table)

Waitress:
(Makes googley eyes at Sig) Yes dear.

Sig:
Can you bring some for my friend…he likes cracking them on his belly.

Waitress:
(To sig) I’d like to crack something on your belly.

Tony:
Please…you’re killing my appetite!



Waitress:
(looking at Tony, sizes him up.) It’s a mercy killing lady! Now back off.

Tony:
(Gasps)

Fenny:
I like her…she’s sassy.

Cobalt:
It’s okay Tony…you look handsome with a few extra pounds.

Tony:
Thank you Cobalt

Cobalt:
And once you lose a hundred or so pounds you will BE handsome.

Fenny:
Leave Tony alone…who cares if he is fat.

Sig:
Don’t forget that he is gay also.

Cobalt:
Let’s not forget those disgusting flat feet that are so dry when he walks barefoot on the carpet it sounds like Velcro separating.

Tony:
I’m sitting right here! If you talk this way to my face what do you behind my back?

Cobalt:
Damn, that is a flabby ass.

(the group bursts into laughter…save for Tony who pushes his plate away)


Fenny:
Overweight people back home are held in high regard. It means they know where the potatoes are. Picture it Dublin…1982. My Seanmháthair and Seanathair who survived the great potato famine of 1845 promised they would never allow their children or their children’s children to go hungry again.


Tony:
The great potato famine?

Fenny:
Yes…it’s true…Irelands entire population was cut in half.

Cobalt:
That’s so horrible. What did they do with all those legs?

Tony:
They shipped them off to New York and used them for the Rockettes half off special, Cobalt.

Cobalt:
I bet handicapped parking spaces were hard to come by.

Tony:
He didn’t mean physically you nit wit!

Fenny:
Allow me Tony. (Takes out a flashlight and shines it on the back wall of the diner. The light hits the chrome interior and refracts in all directions.)

Cobalt:
SHINEY!!! (eyes widen) SHE HAD KIDS!!!! (stands up and runs to the back of the diner and claws at the wall at the ball of light slightly out of reach)

Tony:
One of these days she’s going to catch on.

Cobalt:
(off screen)…and I’m going to name this one Shimmery…and there’s Sparkley…and this one…(fades out)

Sig:
We’ll be long gone before that happens.

Waitress:
(to Tony) ma’am…can I get you a refill on your coffee?

Tony:
I am not a woman.

Fenny:
He’s just gay.

Waitress:
Oh…eyew. (Takes a can of Lysol from her apron and begins spraying the air around her)

Tony:
You can’t catch it.

Waitress:
Oh…(laughs nervously) I know…I just farted.

Sig:
Oh…

Waitress:
(placing can back in her apron then to Sig) So…how about a date?

Sig:
Oh…no thank you… I…uh… prefer raisins. (Waves hand dismissively while not making eye contact.)

(The waitress drops the check on the table and storms off. Cobalt comes back to the table depressed)

Cobalt:
She is elusive. (Sniffs) Smells like someone pooped in a Lysol factory.

Sig:
I guess there is always cancer chick…I got her digits…she said I could see her this evening after her hospice caretaker leaves.

Fenny:
That’s romantic. You know…if things don’t work out with her I have a hot friend with Lupus.

Tony:
Or we could swing by Shady Pines…I’ll visit mom and you can fill up your black book.

Sig:
I love me a cougar.

Fenny:
No, Sig…it’s a senior home…they’re older than cougars…think…Sabertooth Tiger.

Sig:
Mmm…sabertoothless tiger. I could get me a gummer.

Tony:
I need to find new friends. Speaking of which (checks watch)…where is my friend from Ft. Lauderdale…he was supposed to be here an hour ago.


Scene 5
(Int shot of car. Sig, Fenny, Cobalt and Tony are on the road, Sig is behind the wheel.)

Sig:
(Singing) I don’t want anybody else…when I think about you I touch myself, woooooah…

Fenny:
Oh my God…it sounds like a cat in heat.

Sig:
I’ll have you know that when I go to karaoke I get requests from everyone in the bar.

Fenny:
But you sing anyway.

Tony:
(angry)I can’t believe you Cobalt…you embarrassed me in front of an old friend. He came all the way from Fort Lauderdale to have lunch with me and you insult him.

Cobalt:
We sat there for a long time Tony…I simply pointed out that he was late.

Tony:
That’s not what you said.

Fenny:
I’m with Tony on this one Cobalt. It was a bit rude.

Cobalt:
I thought he was rude to keep us waiting. I just let him know he was late.

Fenny:
You said that he was (does air quotes) “a little tardy”.

Cobalt:
I don’t get what the big deal is.

Tony:
(Clenches hands into a fist and shakes them angrily in the air) .He’s a midget with Down Syndrome!!!!!

Sig:
I have a great idea for Steve’s burial.

Fenny:
You can’t segue for crap.

Sig:
(Ignoring Fenny) We could spread his remains across the states. He was well traveled and I think that he would love the idea of a little bit of him being left at his favorite spots.

Tony:
That’s actually a very good idea.

Cobalt:
Oh…I don’t know about that.

Sig:
It’s a great idea, mostly because I came up with it.

Tony:
Have a little modesty.

Cobalt:
Oh, no thank you Tony. Caffeine makes me act stupid.

Sig:
If you’re acting then you deserve an Academy Award. Why don’t you think this idea of mine is any good.

Cobalt:
Back in St. Olaf…

Fenny:
No ma’am, you are allowed one of those a day and you already cashed in.

Cobalt:
It’s important and pertinent to the conversation.
Sig:
I know I am going to regret this, but please let her finish.

Cobalt:
Thank you Sig. You see, my great Uncle, Von Von Streuselborgen loved Minnesota so much that his deathbed wish was that his nieces and nephews take a trip together across the great state and spread his remains to the many places that he held close to his heart. We all agreed and figured it would be a great way to re-connect with the family and share stories about how Uncle Von had touched us.

Sig:
I…

Tony:
(Interrupting) Not a word Sig.

Cobalt:
So there we were, twelve of us piled into a Volkswagen bug driving around Minnesota and at each of Uncles favorite spots we left some of his remains. Unfortunately, Uncle Von never clarified that he be cremated first.

Tony:
OH MY GOD!

Fenny:
I tried to warn you.