All of this talk about Hosts in the comic thread got me thinking. Have you ever been in a weird situation which after the fact you realize was straight outta a Jack book?

Example: About a year and a half ago the Tina and I were on the subway in NYC. We were with the mutual friends who set us up. One is from Jersey but now a New Yorker and the other born in NYC. Both are your usual yuppie sheep ( nice sheep though).

Well, we're on a the car for a bit, all standing, when I notice a guy a little up the car from me leaning against the doors taking everybody in. He's trying very badly to blend in. I notice several things about him. A buldge on his ankle, and a lump under his shirt, mid chest.Then I realize why he's leaning back to the doors. He's got a lump at the small of his back.

I think oh shit, then take a second look. The lump under his shirt on his chest is a badge. He's a transit cop. He catches my eye and I give him a big grin, then go back to no expression. He closes his eyes and gives a slight smile and an almost non-existent nod. He goes back to taking everybody else in.

Then, outta nowhere comes this shouting and cursing from the front of the car. There's a black transient shouting at everybody, cursing them all out, shouting something about they don't appreciate what they have and invoking God alot. He wants money obviously.

In typical Ewe fashion everybody shuts up, looks straight forward and won't acknowledge his presence. This is making him get more out of control. He is hitting the walls and gradually pacing up and down the car, getting ever closer.

I calmly without saying a word step in front of Tina, and the couple we were with. I push them back behind me with a nudge.

The guy is past the undercover and now coming towards us. It was raining so I have a long umbrella with a pointy metal tip. I casually aim it upwards at an angle, glancing at the cop who's eye catches the movement and again nods once.

Now the man is in front of me, directing his rant at myself. I smile and fish a dollar outta my pocket and give it to the man, agreeing with him verbally that people do not appreciate what god gives them blah blah blah. The man settles down, turns to the others on the train and says something about 'one righteous man among many!' Says god bless me and I return the phrase, and the man leaves the car.

The cop gives me a quick smile and goes back to his routine. The girl who is with Tina and I gets on my case saying i shouldn't have given him anything, blah blah blah. She never seemed to realize that the whole time I was talking to the nut he was too distracted by my voice to realize my umbrella tip was at his throat.

F*ckin sheep.

Have you ever had a moment like this?

All of this talk about Hosts in the comic thread got me thinking. Have you ever been in a weird situation which after the fact you realize was straight outta a Jack book?

Example: About a year and a half ago the Tina and I were on the subway in NYC. We were with the mutual friends who set us up. One is from Jersey but now a New Yorker and the other born in NYC. Both are your usual yuppie sheep ( nice sheep though).

Well, we're on a the car for a bit, all standing, when I notice a guy a little up the car from me leaning against the doors taking everybody in. He's trying very badly to blend in. I notice several things about him. A buldge on his ankle, and a lump under his shirt, mid chest.Then I realize why he's leaning back to the doors. He's got a lump at the small of his back.

I think oh shit, then take a second look. The lump under his shirt on his chest is a badge. He's a transit cop. He catches my eye and I give him a big grin, then go back to no expression. He closes his eyes and gives a slight smile and an almost non-existent nod. He goes back to taking everybody else in.

Then, outta nowhere comes this shouting and cursing from the front of the car. There's a black transient shouting at everybody, cursing them all out, shouting something about they don't appreciate what they have and invoking God alot. He wants money obviously.

In typical Ewe fashion everybody shuts up, looks straight forward and won't acknowledge his presence. This is making him get more out of control. He is hitting the walls and gradually pacing up and down the car, getting ever closer.

I calmly without saying a word step in front of Tina, and the couple we were with. I push them back behind me with a nudge.

The guy is past the undercover and now coming towards us. It was raining so I have a long umbrella with a pointy metal tip. I casually aim it upwards at an angle, glancing at the cop who's eye catches the movement and again nods once.

Now the man is in front of me, directing his rant at myself. I smile and fish a dollar outta my pocket and give it to the man, agreeing with him verbally that people do not appreciate what god gives them blah blah blah. The man settles down, turns to the others on the train and says something about 'one righteous man among many!' Says god bless me and I return the phrase, and the man leaves the car.

The cop gives me a quick smile and goes back to his routine. The girl who is with Tina and I gets on my case saying i shouldn't have given him anything, blah blah blah. She never seemed to realize that the whole time I was talking to the nut he was too distracted by my voice to realize my umbrella tip was at his throat.

F*ckin sheep.

Have you ever had a moment like this?

Great story, Steve! I can think of a coupla moments like that. I tend to hang out in low dives. Jeez...15 years ago or so? I was chilling me gums at Mike's Cafe, down on 85th and 1st, when a dude walks in and says to Patty, behind the stick, brandishing his gun, "All I want is the money, ain't nobody gonna get hurt!" "Let's ask these guys first," says Patty. Clownboy found himself facing 6 cops with their own iron ready for action.

And last year, at Marty O'Briens' Irish Pub, I was mindin' me own business, when an arrogant fool, for no reason, pushed me off my stool. I bounced up, ready to rogue. Old Sarge (another cop bar) grabbed the chump in a grip not to be broken, and said, "Mike's one of the boys here. You =will= apologize and get the fuck out!" The fool did, and did. Nahama, the owner, placed a frosty lager in front of me. "Michael, on me. For your exasperation."

Great story, Steve! I can think of a coupla moments like that. I tend to hang out in low dives. Jeez...15 years ago or so? I was chilling me gums at Mike's Cafe, down on 85th and 1st, when a dude walks in and says to Patty, behind the stick, brandishing his gun, "All I want is the money, ain't nobody gonna get hurt!" "Let's ask these guys first," says Patty. Clownboy found himself facing 6 cops with their own iron ready for action.

And last year, at Marty O'Briens' Irish Pub, I was mindin' me own business, when an arrogant fool, for no reason, pushed me off my stool. I bounced up, ready to rogue. Old Sarge (another cop bar) grabbed the chump in a grip not to be broken, and said, "Mike's one of the boys here. You =will= apologize and get the fuck out!" The fool did, and did. Nahama, the owner, placed a frosty lager in front of me. "Michael, on me. For your exasperation."

Here's a story or two for ya. ( it will also give you an idea of the personality of Tina, the mother of my child.) These are things Gia would never do.

Tina Story # 1

I have been hanging out in the goth/punk scene in philly for quite a few years. Nowadays I don't dress it, since I kinda outgrew alot of it but I still love the music and know a damn good bit of people through it.

One sat night we're leaving Ulana's, at 2nd and Bainbridge and Tina, who was a punk growing up but now tries more hippie-fied, is on quite a bender. Shes beyond three sheets to the wind. Her ship is driftin to the rocks, my man.

Well, we're walking up south, and are coming up on what was the Gap (where they always station cops on fri and sat nights). There are four yuppie girls walking in front of us. Walking slow. Tina says something about the one girl looking like a yuppie whore. The girl makes the mistake of saying something back.

What came next was a blur, literally. Tina throws out a punch catching the girl in mid sentence. She starts to go down, blood flying from her face. As the girl is still falling Tina throws another two punches completely wrecking the girls face.

I look over and see four cops walking over. I grab Tina from behind and start dragging her off. She breaks free, yells "You bled on my shoes bitch!" and kicks her in the ribs. I grab her again, yelling to the cops something along the lines of "Please just let her go! I gotta go home with her!"

They laugh and tell me to get her the f*ck outta there. Ever since the south street riot, during which I can proudly say I decked a cop and more than a few civilians just so I could escape, the cops have been wary of any type of incident involving them at that corner, which is where it started.

That night ended with her deciding to beat the hell outta me on 95 while doing close to that in MPH to get home. I had to knock her out cold so that we could live. She thanked me the next day.

Tina Story # 2

We were in a yuppie bar in Mannyunk, looking for a change of scenery. I hadn't been in there in months since my wannabe-goth-yuppie ex and I split. It was one of fav bars. Well, my habit has always been befriend the bartender and if possible the owner so I get free drinks. This was one of those places.

We're in a corner, with tina on a stool, her drink sitting on a counter jutting out from the wall at about stomach level. I gotta pee. There is a massive line for the bathroom which I proceed to get into.

Twenty minutes later I come back and there are four wannabe gangsta white guys in front of Tina. They're laughing. The leader keeps bumping his ass into Tina on purpose.

She sees me, gives me a BIG grin and kicks the leader in the kidney as hard as she can. He doubles over, and spins around. I am immediately between Tina and Vanilla Ice.

He starts shouting into my face about learning to control my bitch. Now there are five of them, and one of me. The whole bar is watching. Now these days I don't look like much. I am 6'4 and 170lbs. I look like a stick. But I didn't always look this way, and when I didn't I was trained on how to kill a man without blinking. They don't know this.

The leader is still going on and on, his homeboys cheerin him on.

"Dude, just let it go." I say, knowing it won't calm him down.

Eminems lil brother still keeps goin, his finger wavin in my face in what i presume to be ghetto sign language for 'Please fuck me up'. I am more than happy to oblige, but I give him one more chance.

"Dude, just let it go. Its not worth it."

He flips out, his hand going even faster in my face.

"Dude..." I say...

Now remember that little shelf along the wall? He does.

My left hand grabs his waving fingers and snaps them back, while my right grabs his shoulder and slams him downward onto the shelf, catching him under his ribs.

I hear some snaps, and he goes down SCREAMING. His boys are in shock. The owner, Rob comes up ( he was standing a few feet away at the bar watching) with two massive bouncers, more are coming down the steps.

Rob yells at them to get out and not come back. The others ignore their still crying leader and say "c'mon rob! WTF?! She started this!". The bouncers grab mister broken ribs and drag him out the door. His friends follow.

Rob reaches behind the bar and hands me a drink shaking his head. Turns out they WERE regulars. The rest of the night drinks were on every other patron of the bar, who kept coming up and saying how cool it was. I never said that if not for those bouncers I woulda been in trouble. Two of them maybe, not not all of them.

I love Tina, but someday ( more likely night) she is gonna get me killed or arrested.

I was home on leave from the Marines and was at a party at a friends house talking in a group to some people when one guy pulls out a knife he had just bought and started to show it off. I, joining in on this event pull out my military issued Gerber combat knife and show it off. I let a few people hold it and a few more people pull various pocket knives. Later I was sitting on a couch and got up to go outside and did a quick pocket check and realized my knife was missing. Not wanting to leave without it I retraced my steps to see if I dropped it but didn't find it. I then realized It was probably taken by someone so I asked some people if they had it. Nobody had seen it so I figured it was stolen. So I pulled a play out of Julio's book and started "bump frisking" people who I thought took it by acting as if I bumped into them by mistake but really getting a feel of their pockets. After 2 or 3 people I bumped a guy who was the present when I showed it off originally and felt the knife in his jeans pocket. Knowing that it was mine because of the unique shape I put on as best a mean face as I could and told him to give it back right there or I was going to take it back from him one way or another. He put on a shocked look and quickly gave it back saying he was just holding it. When I asked why he didn't give it back when he saw me the response was just a lot of "dudes" and "come ons" so he gave it back. I was mad for a while but then just proud I ended up getting the knife back.

I was home on leave from the Marines and was at a party at a friends house talking in a group to some people when one guy pulls out a knife he had just bought and started to show it off. I, joining in on this event pull out my military issued Gerber combat knife and show it off. I let a few people hold it and a few more people pull various pocket knives. Later I was sitting on a couch and got up to go outside and did a quick pocket check and realized my knife was missing. Not wanting to leave without it I retraced my steps to see if I dropped it but didn't find it. I then realized It was probably taken by someone so I asked some people if they had it. Nobody had seen it so I figured it was stolen. So I pulled a play out of Julio's book and started "bump frisking" people who I thought took it by acting as if I bumped into them by mistake but really getting a feel of their pockets. After 2 or 3 people I bumped a guy who was the present when I showed it off originally and felt the knife in his jeans pocket. Knowing that it was mine because of the unique shape I put on as best a mean face as I could and told him to give it back right there or I was going to take it back from him one way or another. He put on a shocked look and quickly gave it back saying he was just holding it. When I asked why he didn't give it back when he saw me the response was just a lot of "dudes" and "come ons" so he gave it back. I was mad for a while but then just proud I ended up getting the knife back.

Quick thinking with the Bump-frisk. I always forget that one. Handled very nicely. And yes, when marines get together it tends to turn into a game of "Look at this insanely large/scary/illegal-stateside weapon I just got". I love it.

I also love how when you catch assholes stealing from you their excuse hasn't changed from when we were all kids and our folks found our stash or cigarettes. "I was just holdin it for somebody else." or the infamous "dude...c'mon...dude..." usually with palms open and out to the side like a limpwristed Fonzie "Ayyyy"

Quick thinking with the Bump-frisk. I always forget that one. Handled very nicely. And yes, when marines get together it tends to turn into a game of "Look at this insanely large/scary/illegal-stateside weapon I just got". I love it.

I also love how when you catch assholes stealing from you their excuse hasn't changed from when we were all kids and our folks found our stash or cigarettes. "I was just holdin it for somebody else." or the infamous "dude...c'mon...dude..." usually with palms open and out to the side like a limpwristed Fonzie "Ayyyy"

Yea, your right the knife is not legal to carry, also his reaction and excuse was pretty pitiful.

Legion,

I thought you were a former Marine.

Was I wrong?

I'm still active duty

I'm still active duty

Same here, but I'm a Dogface not a Jarhead.

Legion-

Every day I'm the guy in your story trying to blend in.