Blake
12-02-2007, 04:12 PM
Okay, I'm late to the game on this one. My wife and I just caught this on pay-per-view.
Hang on; I need to get my flame suit on.
Okay, I'm ready.
The following is just my own personal opinion and should be taken as the Ultimate Truth of the Universe.
So... what kind of drugs were the people who liked this movie on, and where can we get some? Granted that I've never liked Michael Bay -- I don't think he's made a film that didn't score fairly high on the Suck-o-Meter since around the fifth of Never -- but I kept hearing largely favorable reviews for this crap-fest-i-tron, including some from friends and family. (My brother-in-law is going to get an earful for getting me to sit through this collosal piece of poop-i-con.)
I suspected we were in trouble early on with the overly dramatic, lame-sounding exposition. Okay, when the narration immediately follows the "Hasbro" name in the credits, I know I shouldn't expect something that sounds like a Merchant Ivory production, but it all sounded incredibly silly. I did check my brain at the door with the expectation that it would be a requirement for viewing this film, but some residual neurons in the crap-i-con detection portions of my brain were somehow still firing.
Things were getting pretty bad about forty-five minutes in when I realized the "plot," such as it was, had advanced little, and we still had a good -- or rather bad -- hour and three quarters to go. What a slow, plodding film. Maggers, you hit the nail on the head when you said they could've cut 30 minutes from the film, except that I would've pegged it at 75 plus. I haven't been this bored in a so-called "action" movie since "The Mummy Returns" (another film that's such a horrendous piece of craptasticky awfulness that I'm surprised Bay didn't have anything to do with it). By the time they got to the biggest action pieces at the end, I just didn't care anymore.
And what's with all the utterly worthless characters that they spent time trying to develop only to have me not care one iota about any of them? American "Godzilla", anyone? The love interest was especially bad. Really, did she serve any purpose other than to have a place for the "hero" to put his penis-bot after the credits rolled?
Somewhere around the middle I did suggest to my wife that we should start drinking to see if our view of the film improved, but our kid was still up, so that was out.
Hey, if you watched the cartoon when you were a kid (I didn't) or played with the toys (I didn't do that, either), I get that the movie might make you feel nostalgic enough to enjoy it. I certainly have things I still enjoy from my childhood that are probably crap. That's cool. Really, I get it.
But I sure can't share the love. And it wasn't because I didn't want to like it. I was the one who picked it out and made the wife sit through it because I was in the mood for the entertaining spectacle we were promised. And as I said, I did check my brain at the door, which is why I'm not bothering to criticize the many concepts and plot ideas that I found really, really stupid. (Like I said, some residual neurons were still firing, probably to relieve the lack of tension.) But I was just so bored. I kept waiting to see some transformations... ideally the kind where the script transforms into something resembling a good movie.
My favorite moment of the movie wasn't even in it. It was dialogue my wife supplied when the yellow car (Bumblebee?) transformed into the newer, spiffier version of itself in front of the hero and his love interest: "I have been sent from another planet to get you laid."
Needless to say, my wife didn't care for it, either, and she's a lot more forgiving of Bay's work. One of her favorite movies is "The Rock". I still married her, though.
Blake
This post was last modified: 12-02-2007, 04:28 PM by Blake.