It’s 40+ years after Nightworld. Gia passed on (overdosed on blonde hair dye) a decade ago, and Vickie sent Jack to a rundown retirement home in the Pine Barrens.
The TV blared Looney Tunes to an audience that half listened, half drooled. Everything seemed back to normal, or at least routine.
“You did it, Jack. You got the bastard.” He exclaimed without introduction.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Sure it was you. You’re the only one who could…”
Jack interrupted, casting a menacing glare, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Finally, he caught on. “Oh yeah. Sure. I get it.” Maybe he did. Certainly he’d forget in an hour anyway. “Be seeing yah.”
Someone was putting itching powder in the Depends. Jack traced it to Ralph Kramden. Not the Ralph Kramden, but still, how could a guy with that name be that bad? Ralph didn’t notice that his Amigo Travel Mate was hooked up to a 208 volt 3-phase outlet. Never noticed the 14/4 cable with the twist lock connector. The electric scooter took off like a rocket. They were scrapping what was left of Ralph off the wall.
Jack was about to turn back to the TV when he saw him coming. He was short with a round belly, a round baldhead, and a round nose. Looked a lot like Elmer Fudd. “Here we go again”, Jack thought.
“Hewo Wepairman Jack.” Oh yeah, he talked like Elmer Fudd too.
Jack tried to stop him, “I know what your name is”. But it was no use. He went on as though Jack had never spoken.
“My name is Wasawome”.
Jack had to admit that he did rather like this part. “Your name is Wasawome?”
“No, not Wasawome. Wasawome.”
“Wasalome?”
“No, you’re not swaying it wight. It’s Wasawome!”
“Oh, Rasalom”. Jack couldn’t help but smile.
“That’s wight. But nevwer sway my name. Then I have to come to you”.
As if on cue another inmate walked by, heading for the game room. “Hey, Rasalom. Join me for a game of checkers.” It wasn’t a question.
“Don’t sway my name! Damn that wascalwe Wobert. Now I got to pway wiff that moron. I hate checkers.”
“What do you want Rasa… I mean Sal.”
“ I want you to get me somefwing. A book. A wery special book.”
Jack was startled. “Not the Compendium of…”
“No, I don’t want that stwupid Swem book. I want a copy of ‘The Dawinci Cwode’.”
Jack barked a laugh. “You might as well ask for a Michael Mann movie!” When President Wilson took office he ordered the destruction of “The da Vinci Code” and all Michael Mann movies. He also abolished taxes and Anheuser-Bush products. All told, everyone was pleased with his administration, and didn’t complain when he declared himself “President for Life”. Although a thorough job was done on the Mann movies, rumors persisted that some copies of “The da Vinci Code” survived.
Rasalom continued, “I can pway you in Kwuggerwands.”
Jack had bigger plans. “Sal, for this task I need to be paid in something more substantial. You’ll have to pay me with Viagra.”
“Why Viagwa? You have some won in mind?”
Jack smiled. “Yeah, the newly widowed Ida Kramden.”
“You mean Ida wiff the moles?”
“Yeah, she’s the one.”
“You always aim high Wepairman Jack, always high.”
You really only need three things: WD-40, Duct Tape, and a pointy stick. If it's supposed to move and doesn't, use the WD-40. If it moves and isn't supposed to, use the Duct Tape. If you want it to move and it doesn't want to, use the pointy stick. The rest of life is easy.