okay guys here is a link to a chapter from my own work. be kind my health insurance does not pay for facial surgery so please limit all blows to below the head and above the belt.

thanks

http://www.geocities.com/jarrednomakk/Ar...2447550531

i think this works .....

I think you have two very good things going for you and one very bad thing afflicting you.

Good Thing #1: You write fluently. This is a sine qua non for writing novels and stories, and it's either unlearnable or incredibly hard to learn, so you're lucky you have it.

Good Thing #2: You write, period. There are probably thousands of people out there either smarter than you, or with more interesting things to say, or with a better prose style, but they're spending their lives _not_ writing because for one reason or another they're blocked. Not "writer's block" -- I mean something in their psychologies is preventing them from actually taking on what is supposedly their greatest ambition and dearest dream. To actually sit down and produce as much coherent story as you have is something a lot of amazingly talented people never accomplish.

Bad Thing #1: Your prose is a snakepit of cliches. The snakepit is about the size of the inside of an oil tanker. Virtually no description, character, situation, image, analogy, phrase, etc. is not a cliche. The exception (and I know it's not a tiny exception) is the guy drugged to seem like he's dead, who then wakes up, panicked, remembers where he is, and escapes. That's got a kernel of value to it, and while of course not completely without precedent with some improvement it could certainly appear in a published novel. Unfortunately, just about everything else is essentially unreadable (because while fluent, it's tedious). I guess what I mean is you have to find your own voice, not just put into words (fluently) what we've all seen and read a hundred thousand times before.

The good news, if you're young, lies in Good Thing #2 above, which will enable you (unlike most people) to cheerfully write ten crappy novels and in the process of doing so (and of growing a bit older, and being enriched by your own life experiences and by other genre reading you'll no doubt do), to develop your own voice and write an eleventh novel that's actually pretty good and wins an acceptance letter.

At which point you'll get hit by a bus.

-o

thank you for taking the time to read this and comment on it at length with some things i can look at .....